An explanation as to why I'm not blogging at the moment (besides now).

This is a long one chaps.

After a long chat with my incredible psychiatrist, Dr R, we've decided where the route to a lot of my emotional difficulties lie: I'm seen by many, including myself, as an 'ill' person.

At school, I have considerations, for example, that magnify it every day. Year 13 go on study leave in a couple of weeks, and school want me to drop into year 12 for the last few months. I have respectfully said no to this and explained all of my reasons why. I feel that it would be far better for me to spend time away from the place that makes me feel very insecure and different for a while until I am more confident in my current state. I will instead, spend time with the general public, working at the garden centre etc, where no-one has to know a thing about my medical situation and I act and am treated like any other employee. My bosses know, yes, but the hundreds of people that walk past me day by day do not, and it is liberating. It also allows me to build my strength up again and get myself fit in time for my next operation.

In terms of blogging, well, the way i see it is this: before my operation, when i wasn't considered ill (even though technically i was far more ill but thats by the by), i didn't blog about my medical life each day/week. A healthy person doesn't sit down and talk about the cold that they are developing blablabla. So, to minimise my situation to myself, i am not going to blog about it much either. When there is genuinely big news, or a big concern of mine, i will because it can help. But, when i have little things on my mind or petty issues, i won't blog about them. I have wonderful people i can just talk to instead. This is, again, to make me feel more like a regular 'un-sick' person who hasn't had any operations etc.

When I'm out sometimes, i honestly forget that i have the bags on. And i want to try and feel that more and more. When im distracted and doing things un-bag related, i forget. And forgetting, for the time being, helps me.

So, i shall be blogging less but still feel free to talk with me if you'd like. I am happy to talk about things if people ask, but unless something is really important, i won't be casually blogging about it.

I think it is what is best for me in my stage of emotional recuperation at this moment.

I'll be back, though, don't you worry!

A recurring problem I have with doctors, surgeons and nurses.

It seems to me that medical school fails to teach medics the basic 'duty of care/emotional support' part of the course. Many times when i was in hospital for my surgery did i feel like nurses and doctors said things that were just not appropriate for a patients ears. For example, when i was throwing up lots, dont let me hear you say "oh thats really not good that shouldn't be happening". Surely you don't want to worry the patient even more.

Anyway, today, this issue arose again. I was having a surgical check up at Epsom Hospital and was expecting it to be with my usual surgeon, but it wasn't. It was with one of his team members, which i was okay with i didn't mind. As per usual, there were others in the room listening in on our appointment and my case-trainee nurses etc. Two things happened/were said that annoyed me/made me feel a bit aggravated.

Firstly, the surgeon asked me how the stoma was and i said it was fine not causing any physical issues. His response; "good, it isn't really that big a deal, is it?" I smiled and said no, but inside, i was thinking-you can only say that once you've had it, sir. How can he say that?! He has no idea how 'big a deal' it is! You can't possibly know what its like unless you have it. I dont care how many people you've seen with it or treated with it. If you dont have it, you can't know what its like. So dont try and tell me it isn't a big deal.

Secondly, as the more avid readers of you may recall, i had a colonoscopy about a month ago to check on how my rectum was doing. As expected, it showed colitis; redness ulcers scarring etc. That was fine i obviously knew it would show that. Today, however, the surgeon said, "oh you had some biopsies taken did you?" I explained they were from the colonoscopy and that they should Colitis. He then got the pictures up that were taken of my rectum and said "oh lord yes that is very red, very bad colitis. Come and have a look at this" and showed the two nurses, who then looked at me with the look i hate most, pity. I mean, i know its colitis thats clear and i know its not exactly 'good'. But, don't seem shocked that its bad and show others who then look at me like that. Just don't say anything if its bad it doesn't matter i already know it is!

I don't know, i just feel that medical staff could learn a thing or two about what to say and what not to say in front of patients, thats all.

Calling all readers

If anyone fancies listening to me rant/talk about stuff, let me know.

Need a new motive!

I'm getting bored and want something new to do. I like new things; i always get excited and childish about them. Even just a new game or something, anything!

Bye Bye UCAS

Yesterday, i declined all of my university offers officially on UCAS. It wasn't easy and it took a bit of encouragement from a good mate of mine. He told me to not think deep into it-i just declined them, thats all there was to it.

But, of course, i did think a bit more into it. I mean, who has ever declined an oxford interview and offers from durham Edinburgh St. andrews and warwick?! It sucked im not gonna lie like it made it all seem much more real. Now there is officially 0 chance of me going to Uni next year. I knew that anyway, kinda, but now its set in stone and its not a nice thing to have on my mind.

Excited for tomorrow's talk!

Tomorrow afternoon, i am off to Royal Russel school for my third raising awareness talk about Ulcerative Colitis and the Crohn's and Colitis UK charity. The last two went so well so i really hope tomorrow's does!

At Harris, i only had 10-15 minutes. Tomorrow, i get around 30! So im gonna have to add some content to my talk hahaha but as it all comes from the heart and isn't in any way rehearsed, it should go swimmingly.

Cannot wait!